hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize