Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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