so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
