forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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