Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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