Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
