Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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