Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
