I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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