When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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