I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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