I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is Oprah even human
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
