He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
