I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
