Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
