DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think I just sharted jello shots
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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