My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ketchup is God's man juice
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize