Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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