If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
