Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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