note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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