In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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