Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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