Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
