I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
