Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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