do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
