I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize