He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize