so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
