I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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