he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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