You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I could fuck to npr.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
