Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
