whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
