True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
