I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
