i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
