He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
