Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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