Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
