Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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