I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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