There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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