I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
