I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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