Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
