apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
