woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
