so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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