i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
