ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
