I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
