Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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