the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Randomize
