You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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