am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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