Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
