Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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