Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
