GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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