Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
