I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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