I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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