sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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