o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
